Their Boys Elroys

Dear Valued Employee,

It is with heavy hearts that we write today. Though it has been our most sincere wish to justly reward your many years of loyalty and longanimity, today we must come clean. There will be no rewards, just or otherwise. The jig is up. Your position, we regret to say, has been eliminated. 

As you know, Cogswell's Cogs is a company that prides itself on innovation. It was Cogswell's that pioneered use of RUx33, permanently altering the landscape of the trade and allowing us to break into the previously inaccessible markets of gewgaws and gimcracks. And it was Cogswell's that first implemented Zimbot technology in our Aitutaki midifactory, bringing the gleaming edge of industry (if not jobs) to the shores of that untapped paradise and leading us to be named Thingmakers of The Year by Massify Magazine. And of course, you will be well aware that we remain the only cogs manufacturer to successfully restructure our internal operations to the 100-1 system (one hundred commissioned employees for every one C-suite executive), allowing us to deliver incomparable results to our shareholders.

All this considered, you no doubt understand that as an opportunity for acquisition, we have been a highly desirable target for some time. Friend, we held out as long as we could. But we have yacht payments to make and bunkers to design, and frankly, the current state of our stock isn't going to get us to Hilton Head, much less New Zealand. In disruptive times, disruptors must sometimes disrupt disruptions. This is one of those times. Effectively immediately, Cogswell's Cogs is legally dissolved and all its properties, patents, and holdings absorbed by parent company Spacely Sprockets. We appreciate all you have brought to Cogswell's and know you have a bright future in the thingmaking space. 

We ask that you now please Slack your coworkers goodbye, collect your Yeti mugs, and depart the premises. People and Culture will reach out separately with information regarding your severance package.

Sumus Optimus,

Team Cogswell